How to BE

If the advice from parenting experts did not apply to my kid, what was I supposed to do?

When my daughter was two years old, in the midst of one of her epic, nuclear meltdowns, she shouted “I NEED SPACE!” This turned my toddler-mom world upside down.

On the one hand, I was really proud of her for using her words to tell me exactly what she needed. I was pretty impressed that in the midst of being otherwise completely “offline,” she could access language and tell me she needed some space.

And I was proud because I taught her that. By age 2, she already knew how to ask for space.

On the other hand, this ran counter to everything I had read about how to parent a toddler.

As a social worker, I knew the importance of validating a child’s emotions and comforting and supporting them when they were having a hard time.

I knew my daughter wasn’t behaving this way on purpose to make me mad, but I was shocked that she pushed me away in a time when I assumed she needed me to stay close.

 I felt defeated, confused, and frustrated. If the advice from parenting experts did not apply to my kid, what was I supposed to do now?

If you’re reading this, you may feel the same.

That is why I started my coaching business - this blog - and am writing a book.

This blog, and everything else I do in my work, exists:

#1: So that the hundreds of parents I've spoken to over the years who want a close, trusting relationship with their child when they're grown can parent toward that relationship NOW…so their child can feel safe enough to come to them with even their ugliest feelings and with their worst mistakes when they’re grown.

#2: To help parents learn how to accomplish the day-to-day tasks of parenting and managing their child’s behavior in a way that builds the relationship they want to have with their child in the long run.

And 

#3: To provide a parenting resource that is based on a way of being rather than doing, as an alternative approach than the hundreds of books teaching evidence-based methods.

One thing I have learned from nearly two decades of parenting and a doctoral dissertation on mindfulness, emotion regulation, and parenting stress is that it’s not what you say or do, it’s how you BE. (This is not grammatically correct, but I know it to be true!)

All parents want a close, trusting relationship with their children when they are grown, but there is not a one-size-fits-all approach to getting there.

Since parenting is not just a role, but also a relationship, it is subject to many ever-shifting dynamics.

What works for one kid even within your own family may not work for another. This is why BEing a certain way is more important than DOING or SAYING a specific thing.

• Calm your own dysregulated nervous systems so you can be present for your child’s full range of emotional experience 

• Manage your child’s challenging behaviors and the day-today demands of parenting while prioritizing your relationship with your child (without family life becoming a complete free-for-all!)

• Understand the developing brain (and answer the question “Is this normal?”)

• Help your child develop emotional intelligence through co-regulation

• Implement specific strategies that will help them get cooperation without using coercion, bribery, or other forms of manipulation

This blog’s intent can be summed up in the following the points:

• You will be in relationship with your child for at least twice as long when they are an adult and out of your home than during the 18-20 years they are in your care. How you parent them now matters for what that relationship will look like 20 years from now.

• There is not a one-size-fits-all approach to parenting or to building that long-term relationship with your child.

The parenting principles you’ll learn from me are the culmination of over two decades of working with parents and young children, my training as a clinical social worker, brief career as a play therapist, and my doctoral research on the role of emotion regulation in reducing parenting stress.

And, of course, all of this is heavily informed by my experience as a mom to three kids, one of whom did not respond to “parenting by the book.” 

I will not tell you “how to parent,” it’s about “how to BE in a parenting relationship.”

Why? Because you already know how to parent. The challenge is how to parent in a way that builds and preserves the kind of relationship you want to BE in with your child. You can be in that relationship right now.

The challenge is how to parent in a way that builds and preserves the kind of relationship you want to BE in with your child.

You can be in that relationship right now.

If you’re reading this and want help adapting the CALMER Parenting Principles to your unique family life, please consider coaching with me. Learn more and book a free consult call with me by clicking here.