How to give your child more autonomy without compromising on boundaries

A client recently asked me how to help their son, who has ADHD, have more autonomy without compromising on boundaries. Here is what I had to say on the topic.

Meaning: you sit down with him and have a conversation about how you want to give him a little more autonomy, freedom, and choice. You tell him "These are our expectations of you." (Homework must be done. Chores. Teeth must be brushed, showers, cleaning up...etc.)

This is not "homework must be done before ipad," by the way!

Sometimes kids really need to rest and zone out after school. Sometimes an ipad or playing video games is the solution.

Then you let him decide how long he wants to be on his ipad. 

Now, I know what you're thinking, "He will never turn it off on his own." Yes, you are probably right about that. (He has an undeveloped skill!) But here's the thing - he can't develop the skill of self-regulating around technology if he doesn't have an opportunity to practice. 

So here's what you do: when he's been on the ipad for what feels like a long time (an hour? 2?), sit down next to him, connect with him around what he's watching or doing on the ipad. Take some deep breaths. Let him tell you about Minecraft or the reels he's watching.

"I notice that when I am on my phone for too long, my brain starts to feel a little buzzy and I feel a little restless. I wonder if you're feeling that at all?" (TRULY WONDER ABOUT IT. You don't know what his felt experience is. He might tell you he's fine. He might also not be able to tell...he might not yet have the ability to check in with himself in this way.) Just encourage him to check in with his body and notice how it feels. 

Before you let him go back to his game/videos, just remind him what the expectations are ("just a quick reminder that you still have homework and shower tonight. When would you like to get those things done?" or "Do you want to do your shower before dinner or after dinner?")

Now. Here's the part that is going to be really uncomfortable and take some practice, but it's SO important:

He might not do his homework. 

He might not take his shower.

You might have a day or a few days where nothing that you expect him to do will get done, especially in the beginning. PLEASE LET THIS BE OK.

Check in with him again: "I notice that you didn't take your shower last night." Then zip it - see what he says. "Ok, just a reminder that one of our expectations is that you shower after sports." You can also talk about what will happen if he doesn’t shower. (He will start to stink. He will feel uncomfortable. He will probably sleep better if his body is clean.)

After a certain number of days of no shower, or not getting homework done, he will experience the consequences. (I hesitate to say "natural consequences" because this is sometimes used as punishment in disguise. You are not going to let him fall! You are staying present and supporting him...it's just not on your timeline anymore.)

You are periodically checking in with him and encouraging him to check in with himself. "I notice that you still haven't showered and you're starting to stink! I also notice that you've been choosing ipad over your other responsibilities. Would you like some help with that?"

Once my daughter was having trouble abiding by the screentime rules when she first had a phone. I "caught" her using her phone in another room when she knew she wasn't supposed to. Instead of punishing her, I pointed out that she was breaking a rule and said, "what do you think we should do about this?" She silently handed me her phone. Because she knew she needed help putting it down. I didn’t have to punish her to enforce the boundary, I just had to remain open and calm.

After a few days or a week, check in with your son and ask how it's going. Remind him of the expectations and ask how he thinks he is doing with them.

He says it's going fine and you think it's not fine at all, so you can say, "Oh, that's interesting, 'cause I notice that you haven't showered in 3 days. Remember how we talked about that being one of the expectations?"

If he brushes you off or doesn't seem engaged, remember that your job is to provide scaffolding. So instead of "ok, nevermind, this isn't working!" you say, "It seems like you might need some help getting the homework and the shower done. Would it help if I reminded you at a certain time? Or...what are your ideas?"

Basically, I want to encourage you to think of this the way you might manage a new employee who has a ton of potential but needs to be developed. 

When they falter or fail to meet your expectations, you check in with them to see how it's going. Do they need support? What kind of support do they need?

The support he might need could be that you take the ipad away at a certain time of day. Or could be that you visually show him his toothbrush and toothpaste as a reminder. The key is to do this in a neutral, nonjudgmental, non-irritated way. "It looks like you need some help turning off the ipad."

The other key is to ACCEPT that things are not going to happen on your timeline.

But there is a much higher likelihood that the things will get done - and, more importantly, that your child will feel supported rather than resentful - if you allow him the autonomy to decide for himself.

Keep checking in. Set this up as an experiment and tell him we're going to keep checking in about this. It's a process and the point of the process is to support your child and make it more likely that he will get done the things he needs to get done.

This will work really well when paired with the stuff we have talked about in the past:

(These are skills we teach in the CALMER parenting program!)

Try amping up the positive messages you deliver your child.

Besides the obvious, "I love you" and "you're such a great kid" -

things like, "doesn't it feel so good to have a clean room?"

"Oh wow, you got your shower done an hour earlier tonight than last night! High-five!"

(this can be a low-key tone - you don't have to overdo it like he's 4!)

Remember he is not testing boundaries to make you mad! He just needs your help learning self-management.