Fill Your Child's Positive Emotions Cup

When it comes to connection, the question you need to ask yourself is:

We all have two metaphorical “cups,” one that holds all our negative emotions like anger, frustration, and sadness, and one that holds all our positive emotions, like love, excitement, and joy.

It’s pretty intuitive to think that we want to keep the first one pretty empty and the second one pretty full. 

A person’s positive emotions cup can never be too full, in my opinion, so consider ways you could fill your child’s emotional cup every day.

These can be small things and they don’t necessarily have to take a lot of time.

Here are 4 ways you can always keep your child’s positive emotions cup full:

#1 Eye contact

When you’re talking to your child, look them in the eye and smile.

When they are playing or eating or in the bath, just catch their eye and say “hi” or “I love you” or “I see you.”

This just takes a fraction of a second, but the impact can be powerful, especially if you make eye contact frequently. 

(Important note about eye contact: eye contact is rooted in some very primal feelings from intimacy to power and control. Sustained eye contact can feel very uncomfortable or off-putting, and for some children, especially those who are neurodivergent, eye contact can even feel threatening. You know your child best, so follow their lead. If frequent eye contact or eye contact in certain situations makes them uncomfortable, choose a different way to connect.)

#2 Physical contact

A hug, a snuggle, a tussling of the hair…there are so many ways to use physical touch to create more connection with your child.

Skin-to-skin contact is encouraged for babies, especially those born prematurely. Think about ways you can have direct, skin-to-skin contact with your child, whether it’s holding their hand or stroking their cheek. 

Get down on their level, express interest in what they are doing, and perhaps put a hand on their back. Even touching their arm to get their attention “counts” as physical contact.

The point is to make a connection. (Yelling “dinner!!” from the kitchen doesn’t count! And it generally doesn’t work, either.)

#3 Special time

What most kids want more than anything in the world is the undivided attention of their parent.

Of course, we cannot provide that all the times that they want it, but I would venture to guess that if you are responsible for anything in addition to parenting (work, household responsibilities, caring for other family members…grocery shopping…), your child is probably not getting as much of your undivided attention as they need or want.

I’m not suggesting that you drop everything and only focus on your child. That would not only be unrealistic, it would also be unhealthy.

Choose a time each week (or each day, if you can manage it) that will be Oliver’s Special Time. Put it on the calendar. You might even write a schedule for your child where they can see when their Special Time is coming up.

This time only needs to be 10-15 minutes, but it must be protected. It’s an appointment with your child and it’s non-negotiable.

When the designated time comes, set a timer for the allotted time and tell your child that it’s Special Time now. They get to pick the activity (but no screens!) and you will play with them or do the activity with them.

You may have to endure 15 whole minutes of an activity you loathe. But, let me remind you, this time is not about you - it’s for your child.

When the timer goes off, Special Time is over. Even if you and your child are having a lot of fun together, it’s important to maintain the boundary that delineates Special Time. That’s part of what makes it “special.” (This also keeps it fair, if you have more than one child. Everyone gets their 15 minutes.)

Special Time creates connection because it’s an opportunity for your child to feel seen, to feel that you are interested in what they like to do, and they have you all to themselves.

#4 Appreciation

Kids love to feel appreciated! (We all do, right?) Most of us grew up in a time when “praise” was emphasized. We heard a lot of “good job!” or “good work!” or, worse, “good girl!” The problem here is that “good” is a value judgment and therefore implies that when you’re not being praised for being “good” or doing a “good” job, you must be “bad” or doing a “bad” job.

So instead of saying “good job putting your clothes in the hamper,” you could say, “Wow! Thank you so much for putting your clothes in the hamper! That helps me so much when it’s time to do the laundry.”

This verbal appreciation is very specific, linking the behavior (putting clothes in the hamper) to a desired outcome (it’s helpful when it’s time to do the laundry), making it more likely that your child will do that behavior again in the future.

But more importantly, appreciation creates connection. When someone says “thank you,” you feel more connected to them because they have added value to your life in some small way.

As the “appreciator,” you are expressing gratitude for something you received, which links you to the person you are receiving from.

This feels so much richer and more meaningful than a mere “good job,” doesn’t it?

There’s a ton of research now on the benefits of expressing gratitude, from mental and emotional wellbeing to changes in cardiovascular health, so if you can build appreciation into your parenting approach, it’s a win-win.

It feels good to be appreciated and it feels good to express appreciation. And, in the words of Lynn Twist, “what you appreciate, appreciates.”

Appreciation not only creates connection, it also increases the likelihood that your child will continue to do the thing you’re verbally appreciating, like picking up their toys or getting in the bathtub the first time you ask.

To be clear, we don’t express appreciation as a way to manipulate our child’s behavior (that is actually how praise operates, in the behaviorist model), we do it because we are genuinely grateful.

The side benefit, though, is that it generally makes kids more willing to do what you ask - because they feel connected to you. Appreciation fills their emotional cup.

One more side benefit of being in the habit of verbally expressing gratitude: it models for your kids how to be grateful.

I have seen the long-term outcome of this in my own family. Almost every night when we sit down together as a family for dinner, at least one of our kids says, “thank you for making dinner.” 

I did not teach them to say that. I do not emphasize manners in an explicit way. I never said “what do you say?” to prompt a “please” or a “thank you.”

I simply model a way of being and a way of treating others. I express gratitude to my children and to my husband and other people in my life.

Not all humans are the same. Some humans like physical contact and some cannot tolerate it. Some humans like receiving appreciation or words of affirmation and some feel embarrassed or uncomfortable by those experiences.

Take some time and think about YOUR child. What things fill YOUR child’s emotional cup?